Boundaries and The Enneagram

Several years ago, I learned a great boundary principle from a counselor named Julie Sparkman, and I have recently started applying it to my understanding of the Enneagram. Julie shared, “Problems happen when we confuse our responsibility with our role. Responsibility is within my control and something that I can achieve if I’m willing to work hard enough. Role is something desired that cannot be achieved without the cooperation of another person. Think of three buckets: God’s bucket, others' bucket, and your bucket. Anxiety is caused when you are out of your bucket and into someone else's.” Let’s consider how this bucket analogy plays out with each Enneagram type.

Type 1—The Perfectionist

The focus of this type is on high standards, improvement, being good or right, and ideals of perfection. Type 1s can confuse role and responsibility by giving too much of their energy to a project or person to help bring “rightness” to a situation. They may end up caring about the outcome more than the person who owns the problem, thus taking some of the responsibility off the other person to try to fix the problem themselves. This can cause frustration in the relationship as the person may feel over-helped or judged for not handling it the way the Type 1 thinks they should. The Type 1 needs to ask, “What is my role in this relationship or situation?” Often, this role is just encouragement, leaving the responsibility and consequences within the other person’s "bucket."

Type 2—The Helper

This type’s attention is on people, empowering them, and empathizing with others. Since the Type 2’s focus is on relationships and seeking approval, their natural tendency is to empathize and help meet the needs of others, which can create codependent relationships. They often violate the bucket analogy by offering unsolicited help and spending more time trying to fix another person's issues instead of focusing on their own life and challenges. They may over-help to the point where the other person feels controlled or manipulated. This leaves the other person angry and the Type 2 feeling frustrated and unappreciated. Type 2s need to step back and wait to see if the situation is something they are truly meant to help with, and then only help to the extent that the person is willing to help themselves.

Type 3—The Achiever

This type focuses on delivering results and achieving success, so they concentrate on tasks and goals. Since the focus of a Type 3’s attention is often wrapped up in their image, they can merge their energy with the desires of others in order to gain acceptance, without stopping to think about what they truly want to do. They may find themselves doing things that weren't initially their desire, just to gain approval. Type 3s need to stop and ask themselves what their authentic self or intuition is saying, rather than naturally adapting to another person’s desires. Another issue Type 3s struggle with is striving to attain a perfect persona. In doing so, they often disconnect their head from their heart to get more work done, which can cause issues in relationships. As they learn to find their significance from within, they can become more balanced, take time to feel their feelings, and connect more deeply on an emotional level with others.

Type 4—The Individualist

This type focuses on relationships, authentic engagement, creativity, and identifying what's missing in a situation. In order to feel understood and loved, the Type 4 can offer their authentic heart so intensely that it can create boundary issues with others. Their desire to deeply connect with others can often create conflicts due to unrealistic expectations. Instead of trying to pull from others to feel special or unique, they need to stay within their “own bucket” and remember that they are already special and unique just as they are. Type 4s can also be prone to take on other people's pain in an attempt to help them through a crisis, as they tend to understand deeper human emotions. Instead of doing this, they need to consider how they can encourage others without absorbing the emotional weight of the burden themselves.

Type 5—The Observer

This type focuses on information, maintaining privacy, and gaining knowledge. Type 5s can disconnect their emotions from others and try to create safety by compulsively gathering information to feel secure. Unlike other personality types, this anxiety-driven dependence on knowledge is not about a reliance on another person, but it’s still an unhealthy way of merging with something and not realizing that they may already have the natural intuition and wisdom they need within themselves. Type 5s can also become bossy and demanding when they feel anxious or intruded upon, which can affect those they live or work with. As they learn to center themselves and trust that their needs will be met, they will feel less reactive, more balanced, and will have a deeper capacity to bond with others.

Type 6—The Loyalist

This type focuses on solving problems and assessing risks and threats. Because Type 6s feel insecure about their own adequacy, they will often seek guidance from an authority figure they trust which can create false expectations and disappointment. However, as they learn to center themselves and calm their anxious thoughts, they will be able to find the guidance they need within themselves. Once they calm down, they can see life from a more objective perspective and be less reactive with loved ones, which automatically creates better boundaries in relationships, preventing their frustrations from “spilling over” onto others.

Type 7—The Enthusiast

This type focuses on future possibilities, positivity, and planning for fun. Since Type 7s fear feeling negative emotions, they have an inner drive to chase after stimulating experiences and reframe anything negative in their lives. They may show up with fun ideas and pressure people, often in a witty way, to join in. While it can be hard to resist such a jovial person, this can become a boundary issue if it’s not a good time for the other person, and if the Type 7 won’t let it go. Their tendency to reframe difficult situations is also tough in relationships because it’s hard to have a serious conversation with a Type 7, as they would rather see the bright side and avoid anything negative. Over time, repressed feelings build up and can unintentionally spill out on those around them. As they learn to deal with negative emotions and become more grounded within themselves, they will be able to enjoy the simple pleasures of the present moment without feeling the need to jump from one experience to another for satisfaction.

Type 8—The Challenger

People of this personality type focus on power, control, taking action, and seeing the big picture. Type 8s can confuse role and responsibility by giving too much of their energy to a project or a person in order to bring justice to a situation. Known for being assertive, they can actively engage others to solve problems, so it feels natural for them to offer unsolicited advice. They also tend to suppress emotions that make them feel vulnerable, which can make it difficult to be in an intimate relationship with them at times. As they learn to have a less intense and softer presence, they will be able to give and receive support and enjoy the richness of relationships.

Type 9—The Peacemaker

This type focuses on supporting others, creating harmony, seeing all sides of a situation, and tends to be a good mediator. Type 9s often set aside their own needs to focus on others’ needs in an attempt to create peace, which can lead to unbalanced relationships. They merge with what others want and often don’t consider their own desires. Instead of expressing their desires, they push down their repressed feelings and anger, which can later surface in passive-aggressive ways. To create healthy boundaries, they need to awaken to their own feelings and desires and realize that true peace comes from the willingness to enter conflicts and fight for balanced relationships.

As you can see, all the types struggle with boundary issues in one way or another. Some types tend to be “in another person’s bucket,” while others need to share more of their lives with others to create healthier relationships. The tricky part is that many types who are too involved in others' lives are doing so out of an innate motivation that feels right but ultimately causes anxiety because it’s not their role—it’s either the other person’s or God’s.

As a Type 2, understanding my personality type has helped me recognize when I’m motivated by a wrong desire to help someone. The role and responsibility analogy has helped me realize that when I “step out of my bucket,” I am not trusting God to take care of someone, and that causes anxiety since I shift the responsibility onto my shoulders to solve a problem that isn’t mine to solve. In a similar way, all the Enneagram types can operate this way, where their strength becomes their weakness. Instead of trusting God, they trust their own strength to solve the issues that are most important to them. I hope this blog has been a helpful resource for you in not only understanding your personality better but also in learning how to show up in relationships in a more balanced way.